I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
