I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I want a musical about memes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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