Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
