I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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