And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
