oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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