Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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