I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
