Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
