Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
