I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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