Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
