My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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