Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
