Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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