they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
