when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
