I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize