Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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