I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
