bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
