I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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