So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
