I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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