Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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