I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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