i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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