His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize