Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And then my night got REAL pukey
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
