Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
