It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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