So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
