P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
