a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
