God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
