goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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