The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So much Jack, so little girl.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
