Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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