he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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