mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
