I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
