I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
