i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
