The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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