so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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