It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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