Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
