According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize