dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
