if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
