fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My penis needs a shock collar
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
