It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
vagina is talking i cant
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
