she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
