i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
