smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize