After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
