remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
