Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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