I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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