She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
