our cab driver is having phone sex.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
