I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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