You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
