I accidentally burped into my bong.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
