i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
