I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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