rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
