we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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