I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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