And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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