Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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