When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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