We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
