I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
