FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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